His Love
by crimson-stardust
Summary: Alfred deals with his country's religious conflicts and scattered thoughts about confessing to Matthew.


**A/N: Okay, so this is my first story and I'm nervous as hell. I guess I should probably establish a few things up here...**

**1) My personal head canons apply to this and if you don't agree with them there's really nothing I can do about that. You'll see what I mean as you read the story, there's a lot in there.**

**2) I KNOW that Alfred and Matthew are the same height, but you know what? I've seen so many pictures where Matthew is shorter that I feel well within my rights to have it as a head canon that he's a little taller. (Besides, his country is a bigger)**

**3) This story refers to Alfred's religious conflicts every once in a while, because I feel like they aren't addressed very often. It's nothing really terrible, but if you're sensitive about that kind of thing than you probably shouldn't be reading this.**

**WARNING: This story contains homosexual relationships/gay characters/yaoi/slash/man-love/other synonyms for same-sex couples.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own Hetalia, obviously... I wish I did though.**

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Alfred was trying to remind himself that he had it relatively easy compared to some other nations. It could be much worse, he kept reminding himself. He could be a nation where homosexuality was punishable by death, but he wasn't.

Currently, about half of his country was enlightened to the fact that there was nothing wrong with falling in love with someone the same sex as you, but the other half of his country… hadn't quite gotten the memo on that. Yet, that is, he knew it was starting to slowly sink in, it just needed a little more time. It was mostly the southern states, he admitted absentmindedly, where religion made it harder for same sex couples to be open about their relationships. He also knew that sometimes in some of his states, not just the southern ones, people who were openly gay were beaten to within an inch of their life, or worse to death.

Upon further reflection he also conceded that Canada, like every other nation, had the same problem sometimes, it was much rarer to hear of that sort of thing happening in Canada though. Some people still objected to homosexuality, quite vocally in the true north, but they generally didn't go around beating people like the minority of Alfred's people did.

And, Alfred reminded himself, same-sex marriage is legal in Canada, nationwide. The U.S was getting there state by state, but being able to legally bind yourself to the person you love, regardless of gender, was deemed acceptable in every province and territory in Canada. So he shouldn't be so worried about this, right? Right?

Alfred sighed, he shouldn't be so worried about this, but he is, he's terrified actually.

He's terrified because today is the day that he's finally going to confess his feelings to Matthew Williams, otherwise known as the northern nation of Canada.

But Matthew wasn't there yet, so he at least had some time to psych himself up more. Not that he really needed to, truth be told he had been psyching himself up for this moment for years, decades even.

With that thought in mind Alfred started to let his mind slowly fill with thoughts of Canada, wonderful, loving Canada and all the reasons why he shouldn't be as scared as he currently is.

Of those reasons the first one that came to mind was the fact that Matt had openly admitted to not caring about gender, he remembered the day he had made that discovery very clearly.

He was visiting Ottawa on business and Matthew had offered to let him stay with him instead of wasting money on hotel, so Alfred had taken him up on his offer. They had been watching T.V together, Alfred lazily sprawled out on the couch after a long day full of meetings and Matthew seated on the floor in front of the couch, leaning against it for support with his legs extended under his coffee table. They were watching some movie where a girl had fallen for a boy, who was actually a girl in disguise. The plot of the made for T.V movie was basically, girl A needed to dress as boy to get a scholarship for her dream school, girl B recently suffered a bad break up and was wondering where all the good men are and then she meets girl A. They fall hard for each other, girl A was a little confused about her feelings for girl B, but decided gender wasn't all that important when they care so much for each other. But when she tells girl B of her real identity they end up splitting up because girl B wanted to be with a man, she forgave girl A for lying about her gender when she learned why she did it, but she needs a man, so they breakup and the movie just ended there.

Aside from the awkward cliff hanger ending, Matthew had been quite adamant about his dislike for girl B. "Why should her gender matter," he had said, "I don't care about gender, why should she? She had a great thing going and she ruined it."

Alfred had caught the nonchalantly tossed in remark about Matthew's sexuality and latched on to it for dear life. With a lump in his throat he had awkwardly asked Matthew, "does gender really not matter to you Matt," to which Matthew had flippantly replied, "no, of course not," before launching back into his rant about the movie.

God, Matthew really had no idea what he was doing to him.

After that lovely memory played through his head Alfred looked down at his watch, two minutes had passed. Alfred groaned in annoyance that time had suddenly decided to move so slowly. It was getting cold outside and he was slowly losing his nerve again.

Losing his nerve really wasn't good though, he thought frowning a little. So, trying to bring back to life the flare of confidence he had a minute ago he focused on finding more reasons not to be worried about his fast approaching confession. The one that came to mind next was his history with Matthew. There was the colonial history they had, being discovered by the Europeans and growing up with France and England. Later there was Alfred's attempts at getting Matthew to leave the British Empire with him, the burning of York and the fact that he was the only nation that had ever attacked Canada, a fact he still hated living with. There was Matthew's retaliation as well, burning down the white house.

In the time they shared there were the wars they had gone through together, the wars Matthew refused to join Alfred in and the wars Canada was involuntarily dragged into. But before all that there was another history they shared, a secret history that no one but the two of them knew about.

That secret history all came back to their actual ages, a secret in and of itself that was only shared between Alfred and Matthew.

Despite what most people thought they had discovered that Canada was actually the older of the two, they weren't sure how much older he was than Alfred and it couldn't have been by much, but they were almost 100% sure that Canada was, in fact, older. Their reasoning was, when the first people came over the ice bridge and set foot on the American continent they had settled in the northern most part of the continent first, therefore it was very likely that Canada was older. And along with the distant memories they shared of their pre-colonial days they were certain that he was.

Alfred's memories from back then are hazy to say the least, he had initially thought they were just dreams before discovering Matthew had similar ones, at one point they even stopped being memories from his human form and morphed into quick flashes of being part of the land itself, being the wind in the trees, the sand on a river bed, or rain in the desert.

But, something he did remember was that there had been others… other personifications of the Native American nations of the western hemisphere that just couldn't make it through the diseases that spread over the continent.

He had looked different back then too, Matthew as well. They had actually looked the native people of their continent back then, they had spoken their languages, lived amongst them and they had different names in their pre-colonial days as well, but he couldn't for the life of him remember what they were. He vaguely remembered bits and pieces of growing up back then. He remembered playing with Matthew, he didn't look exactly the same in his memories obviously, but it was definitely him, Alfred knew the feeling of having Matt around anywhere. He remembered exploring together, laughing together, he had a talking pet back then too, like Matthew had his polar bear. It was an eagle if he was remembering correctly, but he had no idea where it was now.

He also remembered that as a nation, his human body made it to the physical age of about sixteen before the Europeans showed up…

When the diseases from over the Atlantic were wiping out the continent's population he remembered feeling weak and ill for months on end while the diseases ate away at his people. He remembered Matthew being just as sick while they held each other and whispered about how everything would be okay.

Then one day it all just stopped and he slept. He remained sleeping for a long time.

When he woke up he was further to the east than he had any right to be and he looked so very different. He was a toddler again for starters and he was… well, he looked like the invaders. He suddenly had a couple new languages floating around in his head and was perfectly content to call himself America, even though he knew that wasn't his name. It was hard to form full thoughts too, his younger mind made it nearly impossible and after awhile he just gave up and accepted the fact that he'd have to grow up all over again.

Apparently Matthew had the same type of scattered memories that he did and they came up with a theory together on how personified nations work.

Generally, a nation physically looked and talked like the majority groups of their country, or the most prevalent stereotype for reasons beyond their understanding. Therefore, because the two of them weren't really nations after their populations were reduced so drastically it only made sense that they would take on the physical features and languages of the majority groups of the nations they were soon to become. Matthew thought it was like a personified nation's natural defence system, it was harder to stop the attachment to the land, but the attachment to the people could change pretty easily if most of a country's people were instantaneously wiped out. Looking the way they did had made it safer for them back then too, seeing as, when the Europeans were effectively ruling the world they weren't exactly friendly to people of colour… The second part of their theory was an explanation for how they became children again. They guessed their bodies just couldn't handle all the stress and did the smart thing, shut down. The result of all this in their case was that they could barely remember their lives before the Europeans showed up, but they did have lives, they remembered that much.

Alfred had gone through all that with Matthew and no one else knew, or cared for that matter. They had discreetly asked all of the other North and South American nations, but no one else seemed to remember a time before the Europeans as well as they did and even they didn't remember much.

On top of their shared secret Alfred also found the fact that Matthew was older oddly comforting. Between the two of them there was no doubting who the stronger nation was, but Alfred had had to remain strong for so long and he was just so tired sometimes… It was weird but Alfred knew that if he had been older than Matthew, even by a day, he would've felt more obligated to protect him than he already did. Matthew protected him too obviously, but there was just something about knowing he wasn't the oldest that made him feel lighter. Alfred guessed it was because deep down he wanted to be taken care of, he wanted to take care of Matthew too of course and he had no doubt that if they started a relationship it would be perfectly equal. But he was still having trouble wrapping his head around the idea of Matthew being nice to him because they would be a couple, rather than being nice to him because they were brothers. So, because Matthew was older it made anything he did easier to justify as partially being nice to his younger brother.

Yes, they were sure Matthew was older, not by much, probably only two or three years, which wasn't much, even in human years, but he was older and Alfred found comfort in that. Additionally, even though Alfred knew height and age stopped being linked to each other after a certain amount of time, it also helped to explain why Matthew was always the tiniest bit taller than him, which was something that had always irritated him to no end.

Furthermore, despite their slight height and age differences, he always felt equal to Matthew, a feeling he cherished above all else.

They were perfect equals in ways no other nations could be for so many reasons, but something that gave Matthew an advantage in being Alfred's equal right out of the gate was that he had the same heightened strength that Alfred did. As far as he knew Finland and Russia, to a lesser degree, were the only other nations that had strength beyond that of their human forms. Even Matthew wasn't quite as strong as Alfred, but if he got the upper hand in a fight he could pin Alfred down and keep him there, the result of which was always Alfred praying to any god there might be that Matthew didn't look down and notice his obvious excitement. Luckily, he never did.

Alfred clicked his tongue as he awoke from his trance and looked down at his watch. Where the hell was Matt? Seriously, Alfred didn't do very well when he was left alone with his thoughts, they tended to drift all over the place and Matthew knew that. So why was he being kept waiting?

Well that was a selfish thought, Alfred thought as he took a deep breath of cold air trying to calm down and not let his mind drift to all the terrible things that could get in the way of his planned confession, or worse all the terrible things that could happen to Matt on his way home.

No, those thoughts wouldn't do at all, so Alfred tried to let himself go back to thinking of Matthew… and how easy he was to love. He thought the last part with a smile.

In Alfred's opinion Matthew was everything he needed in partner; he complimented all of Alfred's strengths and made up for all of his weaknesses. When Alfred was feeling angry and impulsive Matthew was always there with calming words and patience. When he was too nervous or scared to go through with something Matthew was right beside him with words of encouragement and a kick in the pants to get him going, sometimes literally. And finally, when Alfred was brimming with arrogance or being just plain stupid Matt was also around to give him a slap across the back of his head or knock him off his high horse with the snarky and sarcastic remarks no one else knew he was capable of.

Alfred smiled to himself. Matthew was the one constant in his life that he cared for, that he loved more than anything and he was finally ready to tell him that. So where the hell was he?

He was waiting for Matthew outside of his Toronto apartment, Matt had told him they could get together right after a meeting he needed to be at, so it wasn't unreasonable to assume that the meeting had run late for some reason or another and that was why Matthew was a little late too, or at least he hoped.

It was autumn, so at least he wasn't freezing his ass off in the snow, but it was starting to get dark outside and the already chilly temperature was dropping quickly, plus he was getting hungry.

Alfred was just mulling over how quickly he could make it to the Tim Horton's his taxi driver had pointed out on the way here when he noticed a blonde of about the same height and build as himself headed in his direction.

Alfred felt his shoulders relax as both his conscious and unconscious worries for Matthew's safety slipped away, just then realizing how he tense he had been not knowing Matt's whereabouts.

As he got closer Alfred took a moment to assess why Matthew was walking towards him. He must have walked to the meeting, typical Matthew.

His inner thoughts on Matthew's transportation choices just strengthened the broad smile his face lit up in. An equally bright smile spread across Matthew's face as well, upon getting close enough to recognize him.

"Alfred, I'm so happy to see you," he said while engulfing his southern neighbour in a hug. Alfred hugged him back and sighed a little in contentment. How Matthew managed to stay so warm in the cold amazed him, but he was thankful for it none the less because he was actually pretty cold right now. His nose in particular was demanding that he find it a warm shelter, said shelter currently being the crook of his brother's neck.

Matthew twitched a little when Alfred's cold nose touched his neck and laughed. "I'm sorry I'm late, I guess you got cold waiting, eh?"

Alfred mumbled a muffled, "yeah, a little," into his neck before pulling away.

He was looking directly into Matthew's eyes when he pulled away and he couldn't help the way his breath caught in his throat. Alfred knew it was such a cliché thing to think, but Matthew really did have the most beautiful eyes.

Matt's eyes, along with his slight curls were the immediately noticeable things that differentiated the two of them. There were other things as well, like the fact that Matthew was paler, or that Alfred's nose angled down straight as an arrow, while Matthew's turned up a little at the bottom. But with those eyes of his Alfred always wondered how people could ever confuse Matthew for him.

Matt's eyes were a lovely shade of purple, Amethyst specifically and they reminded Alfred of the colour the sky turns during twilight and the colour it starts the day as just before the sun rises all at the same time. In addition to their solid colour Alfred could also catch glimpses of other colours in them too, if he could get Matthew to maintain eye contact with him for long enough he could see flashes of greens, blues, barely detectable yellows and sometimes reds in his eyes. He was looking at the northern lights in Matt's eyes and it always made him smile that he could see them without actually having to drive way up north.

Alfred had no idea if Matthew knew of the aurora borealis in his own eyes, but he knew that no one else did. Matthew was barely noticed by anyone else and even when he was he refused to maintain eye contact. Maybe he was just trying to hide his eyes, Alfred didn't know, but he wanted to. There was just so much to talk about.

During Alfred's inner musings on Matthew's eyes, he'd been directed inside and given a hot cup of coffee to warm him up while Matthew flew around his kitchen and chattered happily to Alfred about how his meeting had gone well.

Matthew had apparently already made a dinner of chicken and potato salad early in the day for Alfred's visit. He was just heating up the chicken in the oven and making a dessert. Instant chocolate mousse was the dessert of the day and Matthew had just put it in the freezer to chill while the chicken finished warming up when he joined Alfred at the table.

"The chicken should be warm in about 10 minutes," he said flopping down on the chair. "Do you want to eat the potato salad now or with the chicken?"

"With the chicken is fine," Alfred replied, "besides now we can talk… and I really want to talk to you about something."

"Oh," Matthew said, pulling off his glasses to clean them a little with the dishrag he had brought to the table. "What do you want to talk about," he asked, genuinely curious.

Alfred's throat closed up as soon as Matthew looked at him, he could see his eyes better now, without the glasses in the way.

"Al, are you okay?"

Alfred must've been staring for longer than he thought, he cleared his throat.

"Yeah…yeah, I'm fine."

"You seem a little distracted tonight, are you sure everything's okay," Matthew asked, voice laced with concern.

Alfred felt his heart drum a little faster at the concern in Matthew's eyes and voice. "Yeah, like I said, I just really wanted to tell you something tonight," he trailed off at the end, not sure what to say next.

"You know you can tell me anything Al, I promise I won't laugh… You aren't in any kind of trouble are you?"

Alfred was about to assure Matthew that he wasn't in any kind of trouble, but he faltered, needing to remind himself of the same thing first. His heart was beating like crazy now, it was so different now that he was actually getting ready to tell Matthew how he felt in person and he was nervous as hell.

Growing up in the time that he had it was pretty much engrained in his being that homosexuality was a sin and the fact that about half of his country believed it was too did not help him in the least. However, thinking through it he realized that he had never actually been given a concrete reason as to why it was such a terrible thing. As a child during his colonial days and as the modern day personification of the United States he had poured over the Old Testament and New Testament several times. He had never found any reasonable evidence that being with someone of the same gender was a sin. There were bits and pieces here and there that spoke against it, but they were always invalidated by some other outdated opinion appearing along with them.

Sometimes Alfred seriously doubted that the people of his country who protested so vehemently against legalizing same sex marriage and adoption knew that a lot of their religious text was just…, well…, outdated.

The bible also says it's sinful to eat pork and shellfish, wear blended fabrics and was pretty sexist towards women in general when it came right down to it, but you don't see many people following those teachings. Following every word of the bible was damn near impossible to do in the U.S today without breaking laws and those who stuck closer to the letter were usually ostracized by other sanctions of their religion in the end.

Alfred personally had no objections to the practicing Christians of his country, he actually thought that in general an organized religion could bring people closer together and despite the obviously outdated parts, the bible did give a decent dose of morality to anyone who studied it. However, in terms of every word being followed to the letter, he reasoned that people couldn't just pick and choose what to follow, either everything was absolute or everything had the right to be scrutinized and removed when it became to outdated for evolving societies. And in terms of how the west had developed, it certainly wasn't the former.

With all this in mind he opened his mouth to tell Matthew how he felt, he was so close, but he just couldn't. What if Matthew didn't feel the same way? What if he was with someone else?

Alfred was second guessing himself and he knew he shouldn't be, but what if? What if?

Matthew had never been romantically involved with anyone, to Alfred's knowledge at least. He got some flirtatious attention from the nations that actually remembered his existence, The Netherlands being the one that stood out in his mind. But he had always held off on becoming romantically attached to anyone; and even though he knew it was selfish and unrealistic, Alfred always kind of hoped that it was because Matt was giving him time to sort out his feelings and finally admit them.

Alfred was brought out of his self induced panic spiral by Matthew lightly tapping a rhythm on the table and humming the melody of a song from decades ago, his glasses were back on. Alfred couldn't have been filtering through his thoughts for more than two minutes and Matthew was just sitting there, waiting patiently for him to gather his courage and continue. Not pushing him, just giving him time to think and collect his thoughts, he must've been able to tell that it was something important. He was smiling reassuringly, like he always did when Alfred needed his support and that just made Alfred's heart swell a little more, spurring him on.

Alfred steeled his resolve, "Matt, I just wanted to tell you that…"

"Yes, Alfred."

"I… umm…, I-I-."

This was ridiculous, Alfred thought to himself, he wasn't some stuttering school girl; he was just going to say it.

So, he took a deep breath and blurted out, "I love you, Matthew and not in just a brotherly way I really, really love you and I want us to be together. I know you may not feel the same way but I wanted to tell you 'cause I need you to know. We've been through so much together and even if you don't feel the same I hope we can at least stay as close as we are now." Alfred was looking down at his hands and blushing terribly when he finished, but he instantly felt lighter, like a weight had been lifted off his shoulders. It was out there now and he couldn't take it back.

A second later he felt and saw Matthew's hand curl around one of his own, when he looked up Matt was smiling brightly and it showed in his eyes.

"I love you too, Alfred."

Five words, Matthew had said five words and suddenly his heart was soaring.

Alfred smiled instantly, a whole hearted smile that lit up his entire face and made his cheeks hurt a little. Matthew laughed and smiled back, Alfred knew that he was grinning like an idiot but he didn't care. He couldn't remember the last time he had been this happy, actually he didn't think he had ever been this happy in his entire life, which was saying something for a nation.

Matthew, still smiling, leaned across the small table to kiss him, Alfred met him half way. It was a simple kiss that didn't become too heated, it lasted for about ten seconds, their lips met and their glasses clinked together, it was perfect. Alfred felt like he was floating on a cloud and he wasn't very happy when they pulled away from each other, but he knew he'd have to breathe eventually.

"I'm glad you finally sorted things out Al, I was starting to think that I'd be waiting forever."

"I'm sorry I made you wait Matt, it's just that, well, you know what it was. But I worked through all of it and I really want to be with you, if you'll have me that is," Alfred finished his sentence with a look down at their still linked hands and a guilty edge lacing his words.

"Of course I'll have you, stupid. I haven't been waiting decades for you to smarten up just so I could say 'sorry, tough luck'." Snarky as always Matthew managed to make Alfred chuckle, which was exactly what he needed to add a healthy dose of normality to his emotionally charged day.

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**And THAT is how to properly use "eh" in a sentence. Please, take it from a Canadian.**

**So, yeah. Reviews would be greatly appreciated. I've already got a second chapter going and everything, but encouragement is still nice.**

**Also, I apologize for any spelling mistakes and grammatical or punctuation errors. I don't have a Beta Reader, but I read over it about 20 times. If I didn't catch anything, I'm sorry.**


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